oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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