from now on my penis is your penis
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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