I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
