Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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