I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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