I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
