i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
