She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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