I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
