True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
