As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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