i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize