Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
