Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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