she was so not down for the gang bang
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
