The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
