Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
