I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
