so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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