Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
