dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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