She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
