I think I am morally bankrupt
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
