Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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