yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
