Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize