my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
