Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
