Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
