Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
