I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
