I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
