Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
