Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
