nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
