Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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