I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
