I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
