oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize