The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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