FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
