Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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