Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
