dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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