The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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