Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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