so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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