she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Text me some of your sweat
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