i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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