I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
