Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
