turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
