She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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