I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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