Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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