So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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