rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
