I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
