I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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